Saying Goodbye is the Hardest Thing…

Posted by diana in Emotions, Life, Pain, Relationship, School on August 26, 2010

I’m never with saying goodbye. Yet that time has come again. I have to cut ties with people I have made strong connections with again. My heart is heavy, I’m so hurt. When I came here, I never intended to get close to anybody. But the heart is cruel. It caught me way off guard this time. I’m going to miss all the good times we had in class. Those are the memories I will take with me and remember them forever.

I know that every ending is a new beginning, but it’s hard to say goodbye to those that are close to you. We’ve became a family for this past year and they’ve became a part of you and your everyday activities. It’s almost second nature. But like the Chinese saying 天下没有不散的宴席 (literal translation: there’s no such thing as never ending feast), which means all good things come to an end, our end is here. It breaks my heart to see our studio, our home for the last arduous year being dismantled in front of my eyes. The weather has not been helping the mood either. It’s been grey and depressing. Raining like crazy everyday since the course was over. Maybe even God can feel my pain.

This has been a wonderful year, I don’t regret anything because everything happened for a reason. Although I would say sometimes I want to turn back time, but I can’t live in the past, I have to look forward to the future. No matter how sad, scary it may seem, I have to find my strength in God, He does not give us anything that we can’t handle.

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Wish Upon a Star…

Posted by diana in Emotions, Relationship, School on August 20, 2010

Well, the year long intense Visual Effects program is finally over. After 3 months of sleepless nights and days, my final project is done. This is a time for celebration, but I can’t help but feel sad…

While I understand that certain things aren’t meant to be, it’s hard to keep your head up and a smile on your face. After being hanging solely by a thread for so long, you are bound to fall. I’m at that moment. I have no more strength to keep myself together, to keep my sanity, my pain and my passion. The only thing I can do is to let it go, slowly, so that hopefully, it won’t hurt so bad.

I’m in a paradox state of mind. Part of me wants this way and part of me wants it the other way. I’m so torn, I just want to run away to a place where no choice needs to be made. I wish things were much easier. No one tells you how much it hurts. Everyone just tell you that everything will be alright; stop thinking negative; this is just a phase, it will pass. I know. I give out similar advice to other people who are experiencing what I’ve experience. However, let me school you on something. Sometimes, everything won’t be alright, it won’t go away, and if it does, it may be a very long time before it really goes away. As far as for thinking negative, I don’t. I just prepare myself for the worst so that I won’t be disappointed. Yes, it’s bad, but it’s part of life. It’s how you cope with things. Expect the worst and if you get a pleasant outcome, then it will make your day.

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Wondering…

Posted by diana in Life, Pain, Relationship, School on June 17, 2010

Do you ever wonder if everything you are working hard for is going to be worth the struggle? Whether mentally or physically? It’s always on my mind. It hurts me to my soul that some of the sacrifices I have to make. No, I’m not asking for pity. I’m just expressing myself. I’m sure that everyone thinks or have thought like this before. I wish I can travel through a time machine to see if the end result is pleasant. A lot of times when you concentrate so hard on one subject, you forget the essence. You forget the purpose, the effect you have on others around you. You lose yourself.

I’m still lost.

But I cannot be emotional about anything. Apparently it affects the quality of my work. I have constantly to be this stoic person, feel no joy, no pain. And it’s killing me, eating me away slowly on the inside. I feel so trapped. I wish I can just scream out loud. I wish I still had that special person to hold. I feel so vulnerable. Is the sacrifice worth it? I’m afraid to know.

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Another Day, Another Stress

Posted by diana in Life, School on October 31, 2009

I feel really tired of life. I’m constantly working, either at job or my school work. I feel so tired. I’m ready to go. But don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy working on my projects, but I really do need a break from life. Can I get one? Is there any possible way for me to get one? It’s 4am in England right now, and I’ve been working on my project all day today, and I’m still up. What am I doing? I don’t know. Just random stuff for my personal enjoyment. I’m just so lonely here. I gotta keep remind myself that I’m here for a good purpose, that I have to suck it up and be strong.

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Moving Day

Posted by diana in School on October 3, 2009

It’s been two weeks since I’ve been in UK. The dorm is not the best, but it’s cozy and full of nice people. However, it’s too far from the campus I have classes in. I ended up finding a room for rent in a house. Little did I know that, over here, you sign a contract when you live in school’s dorm. Also, you have to find a person to replace you to take over your contract in order for you to move. Luckily, I knew someone that’s looking for a place to stay, and signed over my room to him. It’s crazy for me to think about this. I thought I was going to stay in school since I’m in a foreign country. I walked for over 4 hours on Friday looking at different houses. In the process, I think I caught a cold. Woke up in the morning with a slight soar throat. This is the last thing that I need: get sick right before school starts. I’m moving tomorrow (Sunday), and have been having second thoughts about it. I really hit a huge depressive spot today, I didn’t want to move any more after going through all the hassles and really missed home. I wanted to jump on a plane and just fly back home. Then boyfriend made me feel better. Things start to look on a much more positive note. Everything happens for a reason, right?

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