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Going Crazy…

Posted by diana in Emotions, Life, Pain, Past on October 4, 2010

I’m really lost…

I don’t know what to do…

This is driving me crazy…

I just want to break down and cry. I miss home so much. I miss him so much.

I’m losing it…

I’m so afraid that the day will come, where I just break down completely.

I’m talking to random people online, getting a laugh, kick, trying to feel better. But at the end of the day, all that shit don’t matter. I just want to be home…

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Saying Goodbye is the Hardest Thing…

Posted by diana in Emotions, Life, Pain, Relationship, School on August 26, 2010

I’m never with saying goodbye. Yet that time has come again. I have to cut ties with people I have made strong connections with again. My heart is heavy, I’m so hurt. When I came here, I never intended to get close to anybody. But the heart is cruel. It caught me way off guard this time. I’m going to miss all the good times we had in class. Those are the memories I will take with me and remember them forever.

I know that every ending is a new beginning, but it’s hard to say goodbye to those that are close to you. We’ve became a family for this past year and they’ve became a part of you and your everyday activities. It’s almost second nature. But like the Chinese saying 天下没有不散的宴席 (literal translation: there’s no such thing as never ending feast), which means all good things come to an end, our end is here. It breaks my heart to see our studio, our home for the last arduous year being dismantled in front of my eyes. The weather has not been helping the mood either. It’s been grey and depressing. Raining like crazy everyday since the course was over. Maybe even God can feel my pain.

This has been a wonderful year, I don’t regret anything because everything happened for a reason. Although I would say sometimes I want to turn back time, but I can’t live in the past, I have to look forward to the future. No matter how sad, scary it may seem, I have to find my strength in God, He does not give us anything that we can’t handle.

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Anger

Posted by diana in Emotions, Pain, Past on June 23, 2010

I’m so angry some times. I guess because most of the times I feel like it’s just me against the world. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood years. Feels like so much is suppressed inside of me. Like my project, my emotions are about to explode, and that may not be a good sign.

*Sighs*

My life is too complicated. My mind is driving me crazy. Feels like everything is crashing down on me at once. I pray that God will guide me through this. I need His grace and guidance. I cannot do this alone. I may just need to go back to being anti-social and push everyone out of my life, go back to rolling solo again. I just feel so stressed out. But I gotta get through this…

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Wondering…

Posted by diana in Life, Pain, Relationship, School on June 17, 2010

Do you ever wonder if everything you are working hard for is going to be worth the struggle? Whether mentally or physically? It’s always on my mind. It hurts me to my soul that some of the sacrifices I have to make. No, I’m not asking for pity. I’m just expressing myself. I’m sure that everyone thinks or have thought like this before. I wish I can travel through a time machine to see if the end result is pleasant. A lot of times when you concentrate so hard on one subject, you forget the essence. You forget the purpose, the effect you have on others around you. You lose yourself.

I’m still lost.

But I cannot be emotional about anything. Apparently it affects the quality of my work. I have constantly to be this stoic person, feel no joy, no pain. And it’s killing me, eating me away slowly on the inside. I feel so trapped. I wish I can just scream out loud. I wish I still had that special person to hold. I feel so vulnerable. Is the sacrifice worth it? I’m afraid to know.

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Reasons

Posted by diana in Life, Pain on April 1, 2010

People say that everything happens for a reason. How come every time I try to make a change, something keeps pulling me back? I guess that’s life’s way of showing me signs. I feel like everyone around me is moving further and further away from me. I’m like a stranger to them now. Yes, I feel so isolated, so destroyed. So much pain. I just want it to all go away. I just want to be that happy person again. Do I not deserve happiness? Is the world that cruel to me? I’m filling myself with materialistic things to take my mind away from the pain, but in the end, my heart’s still an empty cavity…

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