The Woman that Stole Your Heart

I’m never with saying goodbye. Yet that time has come again. I have to cut ties with people I have made strong connections with again. My heart is heavy, I’m so hurt. When I came here, I never intended to get close to anybody. But the heart is cruel. It caught me way off guard this time. I’m going to miss all the good times we had in class. Those are the memories I will take with me and remember them forever.

I know that every ending is a new beginning, but it’s hard to say goodbye to those that are close to you. We’ve became a family for this past year and they’ve became a part of you and your everyday activities. It’s almost second nature. But like the Chinese saying 天下没有不散的宴席 (literal translation: there’s no such thing as never ending feast), which means all good things come to an end, our end is here. It breaks my heart to see our studio, our home for the last arduous year being dismantled in front of my eyes. The weather has not been helping the mood either. It’s been grey and depressing. Raining like crazy everyday since the course was over. Maybe even God can feel my pain.

This has been a wonderful year, I don’t regret anything because everything happened for a reason. Although I would say sometimes I want to turn back time, but I can’t live in the past, I have to look forward to the future. No matter how sad, scary it may seem, I have to find my strength in God, He does not give us anything that we can’t handle.

Well, the year long intense Visual Effects program is finally over. After 3 months of sleepless nights and days, my final project is done. This is a time for celebration, but I can’t help but feel sad…

While I understand that certain things aren’t meant to be, it’s hard to keep your head up and a smile on your face. After being hanging solely by a thread for so long, you are bound to fall. I’m at that moment. I have no more strength to keep myself together, to keep my sanity, my pain and my passion. The only thing I can do is to let it go, slowly, so that hopefully, it won’t hurt so bad.

I’m in a paradox state of mind. Part of me wants this way and part of me wants it the other way. I’m so torn, I just want to run away to a place where no choice needs to be made. I wish things were much easier. No one tells you how much it hurts. Everyone just tell you that everything will be alright; stop thinking negative; this is just a phase, it will pass. I know. I give out similar advice to other people who are experiencing what I’ve experience. However, let me school you on something. Sometimes, everything won’t be alright, it won’t go away, and if it does, it may be a very long time before it really goes away. As far as for thinking negative, I don’t. I just prepare myself for the worst so that I won’t be disappointed. Yes, it’s bad, but it’s part of life. It’s how you cope with things. Expect the worst and if you get a pleasant outcome, then it will make your day.

I’m so angry some times. I guess because most of the times I feel like it’s just me against the world. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood years. Feels like so much is suppressed inside of me. Like my project, my emotions are about to explode, and that may not be a good sign.

*Sighs*

My life is too complicated. My mind is driving me crazy. Feels like everything is crashing down on me at once. I pray that God will guide me through this. I need His grace and guidance. I cannot do this alone. I may just need to go back to being anti-social and push everyone out of my life, go back to rolling solo again. I just feel so stressed out. But I gotta get through this…